How to Serve a Loved One in their Time of Suffering
Stumbling to serve a good friend? Here are some ideas to help!
Whether it’s a major life transition, death, surgery, treatment for a new diagnosis, or surgery- suffering affects us all. It’s during those times the need for support intensifies, and loved ones sometimes fall short. Often those closest to the suffering go AWOL while more distant acquaintances go above and beyond. Many times, loved ones are at a loss of how to help. Or they don’t want to bring the suffering up because they don’t want to be a reminder. Maybe the person has a close inner circle and you don’t know where you fit. You assume someone else is taking care of them. The jolt of your loved one’s new reality coupled with lackluster support can increase feelings of loneliness, rejection, and hopelessness. However, with some guidance, you can better understand the type of support that meets the suffering where it’s needed the most.
Most importantly, asking the sufferer what would be most helpful can empower their voice. One of the most unhelpful statements is “let me know if you need anything.” This puts the onus of support on the sufferer, who does not have the bandwidth to organize support and often feels guilty asking for help. Suggestions include asking if they want you to ask about their suffering or if they would rather you to wait for them to bring it up? Do they need practical support such as meals, rides for their kids, company on quiet nights, or laundry done? Would they prefer more privacy? Making assumptions about people’s needs based on what you yourself would want can be harmful and increase their isolation.
Then…follow up! If a person confides in you public or private struggles, follow up on their needs! Help them know you are thinking of them. Pray (and let them know you are), write a text, make a call (even if they can’t answer they can hear your voice on voicemail) put a flower on their porch, create a carpool schedule, send a card, hang out with them, make or send a meal. Keep in mind this level of intention may be required for a long period of time. Some report getting strong support at the beginning of their suffering, but it wanes over time even though the need does not go away. When the emotional energy and vulnerability is taken to share a struggle and the person confided in does nothing to follow up it has the power to create shame and loneliness.
In addition, when suffering hits home with a loved one, the power of being a supportive presence cannot be underestimated. You don’t need to know “the right thing” to say or do. The power of a quiet, non-anxious presence-allowing the person to laugh, cry, or talk about something completely unrelated - can been one of the most helpful ways to minister to their heart. When we get anxious, we often make a conversation about ourselves. However, when a loved one is suffering, the time to process your own struggles is with another trusted friend or therapist. In other words, this isn’t the time to say “My friend Suzie had the same thing and died.” This also isn’t the time to give unsolicited advice or trite spiritual platitudes. Statements taken out of context from the Bible such as “God will use this for the good” or “God will only give you what you can handle” can minimize and invalidate the lived experience of the person you are trying to serve. Recognize that suffering often brings an existential crisis that may need to be fleshed out over time. This is also not the time to be toxically positive, trying to spin all of their suffering around to something positive, which can also invalidate their experience and make them feel unseen and unheard. Rather, being intentional about “meeting them where they’re at” mentally, physically, spiritually, and socially would be a more helpful approach.
Meeting the sufferer where they’re at requires intention, compassion, and sometimes stepping out of our convenient schedules or comfort zone. Be encouraged that asking what would be most helpful, following up, providing a supportive presence, and focusing on their needs can create a healing balm in a time of need.
Be Still Holistic Counseling & Wellness specializes in serving women and teen girls who are struggling with anxiety, depression, grief & loss, and chronic illness & pain who want to stop feeling exhausted and overwhelmed and start living in balance and freedom.
Be Still Holistic Counseling & Wellness
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